Equipping Your Inner Circle to Support You Out of Narcissistic Abuse

When I first left my husband, in 2008, I did not understand anything about narcissism. What I knew was that I was not sure how he would react when he realized that I had really taken our three small children, withdrawn half of our checking account, and really left this time. He had mocked me on the way out, scoffing at the idea that I was seriously going to leave after he told our best friends and I that it was my problem, not his, that he was entertaining lustful behaviors that were breaking down the trust and safety in our marriage. We had been married a little over ten years, had just had our youngest child, and I finally felt like I had "Biblical Grounds" to leave.

I drove to my best friend's house and let her know what had happened. They seemed supportive, as much as they could be, despite the fact that we all strongly believed in Christian marriages. 

I didn't have the time, or the words, to try to explain the depths of what I had been going through, behind our closed doors, while her young children were running up and down the stairs, and my three children were also in tow running around their home. 

I didn't have a plan. I just knew it was time to leave, and I had, and I knew I was afraid of how he may retaliate. I stressed to her over and over that I would stay in touch with her, but to please, no matter what he says, "Do NOT tell him where we are".

I was scared, and I could tell by her reaction to my emphasizing this, she couldn't quite grasp why I would be so adamant about this. She knew my husband to be a kind, Christian, man who served at our local church in various ways. I didn't have time to explain, and it was clear they were not going to invite me to stay there for the night (which I secretly begged them in my mind to, in order to be able to buy time to think what to do next), and so the kids and I said Goodbye and left and headed for a nearby hotel.

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When I finally left, for good, ten years later (in 2018), once again, I didn't understand narcissism, and I left as quietly and secretly as I could, with only a few close contacts who knew. I handled almost everything on my own out of the shame and guilt I carried that I had taken our children and left my husband. After a year, when I started to open up and share our status, and then another few years later, when I told the story, I was surprised to realize how many people were supportive. I wish, in hindsight, I had knew who my supporters would be along the way, where we had struggled in silence, buried under shame, guilt, and sadness for way too long. 

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If you are reading this story, I imagine you too may be able to relate to the difficulties in trying to help your family and friends understand the delicate, and urgent, nature of your need for them to help keep you out of contact with your ex-narcissistic partner. 

As a Christian, I have found it difficult to explain narcissism to people as I personally have struggled to villainize or paint someone as malicious or evil, but would rather focus on what my boundaries and needs are in each situation that presents itself during and after the separation (or divorce) phase. 

I have put together a packet of resources to help you navigate these conversations and this transition. 

Please reach out and let me know how else I can help you! ♥