Weathering Motherhood's Unmet Expectations
To the Put-Together Christian Mothers with Babies &Toddlers,
I walked into the public library today with the intention of catching up on some work, but I saw you pulling up and getting out of your stylish SUV's with your sweet children on hip or in hand.
I just watched as some of you looked so cute, so put together, so calm.
One wearing trendy olive green colored leggings as pants and an above the waist shirt, with your body clearly able to be shown off proudly in them. Your highlighted hair pulled up in a high messy ponytail, yet nothing about your life appeared to be messy. You carried your young daughter with curly blonde hair on your hip. You both looked beautiful, and happy. You looked like the kind of woman I would have been trying to distract my husband from.
Another one of you walking across the parking lot with your pressed khaki shorts, not too short to be provocative, but not too long to cover any cellulite that you did not have. Your lean, tone, and tan body shown with your summer burnt orange top that showed your shoulders while you walked with your toddler holding your hand. You too looked like the woman I would have been trying to distract my husband from.
As I saw these women showing up almost in synchronious fashion, I was brought back to the memory of who I once was and who I hoped to be. I was a bit stunned by the sudden trigger of emotions that were happening, and as this event continued to unfold in front of me, rather than stuffing these feelings down, I decided to listen to them and see what came about.
I found myself noticing their clean washed trendy vehicles as I walked into the library myself. I saw the sign for the mom and toddler class that was about to start, and remembered so many times bringing my own young daughters to our local library for a similar program sixteen years ago.
Those were the good days, yet I didn't know it at the time. They were the days where I still had the belief that I was doing a good job as their mom, and that I had hope for how the rest of our path would turn out.
Our lives were not perfect, but they were on a path.
We had a plan, and we were working that plan.
My husband had just gotten a new job. We had realized the Dave Ramsey plan to live a debt free life and were proactively working toward that as we had flipped our lives around financially and were getting debt free and living in a manufactured home community, to keep our cost of living low.
I had felt the Lord made it clear for me to quit working and to enjoy the gifts of motherhood, specific to receiving and enjoying the unconditional love from my daughters; unconditional love I had never experienced before as a child of multiple foster and adopted homes.
My husband and I were passionate in our relationship - whether it be fighting on the same team with each other, or fighting each other. It wasn't a healthy marriage relationship for sure, but we were a strong team and working to remain a strong family unit. Even though I did not like how he fought or treated others, including me, at times, I trusted him and his motives. I had allowed myself to feel safe and believed in constant self-awareness and self-improvement strategies to keep growing personally and as a couple and family.
My faith in God was getting stronger at this time as I started to experience things that I categorized as miracles or supernatural occurences. I had realized that God was moving and speaking in my life and no longer just something, or someone, I believed in. I was seeking to hear His voice, rely on His guidance, and obey whatever He instructed me to do. The forces of darkness also made their presence known as my young daughters seemed to see into the spiritual world in a way I could not and would tell me things that they heard or saw.
So - as I watched the mothers and toddlers gather behind the glass wall for their morning fun time together, I used the nearby restroom. I could hear the instructor talking to the children in her happy encouraging voice, "Did you brush your teeth this morning?"
Immediately, I wished my thirteen year old son had gotten to do these programs. He still doesn't brush his teeth regularly. Perhaps it has to do with him missing these fundamental programs and milestones an ever present mother can give to their young children. These basic building blocks I took for granted before.
As I finished using the restroom, my mind started to write this letter to you... and it was so good! Words were flowing through my head so quickly, I knew I should make time to sit here and write this to you. I don't remember what those words were now, but I am trusting that the ones I am writing, are ones that will do the job to give you the heart of the message I wanted to give you... which is...
[tears welling up as I pause to get the words]
Motherhood Advice
- Don't endure this time with your littles, embrace it.
- Don't get stuck in planning how their life will turn out, play with them today.
- Make a way to easily, quickly, and consistently record the funny and sentimental moments with each of your children as you go. Build this memory book to review with them and laugh along the way. (I recommend the BEAR app for quick notes or a "5-Year Journal" I found at Cracker Barrel.)
- Be sure to hang photos around your house of the great memories you each have with each other. Impress those in their minds so their brains will hold on to the good and weather any of the bad ones that may pop up. It is not vain.
- Keep a journal that you write in every time they have a birthday, and be sure to schedule time to write in it - don't procrastinate or expect to write a lot "when you have time". Just write something (words they say, phrases they use, highlight memories, a blessing or prayer for them, a confession, etc) and hook this habit to something you HAVE to do - so it will get done too (ie. Don't order or make their birthday cake until their journal has been written in.)
- Don't just say you love them, tell them why you love them (in writing - cards, the journal, photos, sticky notes, on things that can be keepsakes). Be sure to also say, "I'm proud of you" (they won't assume this based on your actions).
- Write them notes and have them write you back. Keep a spiral perhaps - or at least keep all of these in one place in a folder that can be reviewed.
- Keep a GOD JOURNAL where you and your child write and record God-Stories, Thankfuls, Prayers. Even if you only write in this once or twice a year, it will be a treasure through the years. (They won't necessarily remember as they grow and life happens, so write them down.)
- Point them to Jesus all the time. Talk about God all the time. Read your Bible and read the Bible with them. Put Scripture in their hearts (words and music). Help them understand God is for them, as you are too.
- Hug, Hold, Touch them as much as they will allow you to; even if it makes you uncomforatable.
- Find out their Love Language - and be sure you are loving them in the way that speaks love to them (otherwise, you may pour yourself out for years only to find out they don't believe you love them).
- Teach them to Love God and Love Others through physical acts of service to people in need or who ask for help. Show them your daily plans are never above the cry of someone who needs your help, light, love, or finances. We are here as God's ambassadors, instruments of His grace, and hands of His heart towards man.
Oops - my brain switched to giving you advice on things I have tried to do with my own children, but regret not doing them better. Notice, I did not put keeping your kids loaded down with all the skills and activities. Perhaps, that's meaningful as our perspective is different due to the circumstances we were thrown into. These are items I see as valuable in our lives - as I look back and reflect.
Let me try this again -
How I weathered my own unmet expectations surrounding my motherhood experience:
I don't want this letter to cause any of you to live in fear or dread of what could happen to you. Just because life took its turns in my life, and I did not get to live the life I was hoping for, does not mean you won't. But odds are, some of you are going to have some hard things come up, while you are still raising your children.
I could never have imagined what happened to our family. Beyond that, I would not have believed how I changed in the process, how my mind and emotions would start to betray me even. I was disciplined, determined, educated, seeking God and His Word, an overcomer already... and yet...
I guess I just want you to know, as my mom used to repeat,
"The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."
Looking back, my relationship to God and seeking to live and abide by the truths of His Word were my main thing. It is by far the one and only thing that gave me the most direction, strength, courage, and reward.
Our government systems failed me.
The church failed me.
Our family failed me.
Our friends failed me.
E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g failed me... but God's Word.
And I mean that sincerely.
The best thing you can do, to keep you health, sanity, and strength as a parent for your precious children is to get in the Word now, read it, memorize it, sing it, pray it, write it, teach it, obey it, rest in it.
After 2006, when I last was taking my girls to our library for story-time and mom-and-me activities, I started to learn of my husband's tempations with lust. I experienced my husband's temper in ways I thought would never be our story.
As my girls were getting out of the toddler stages, I kept moving and thinking I could still fufill some big dreams in my heart (what I felt God called me to do), while being a proactive and attentive mother, and was suprised to learn I was pregnant with our third child. Back to the starting line.
Six weeks after our son was born, I found out that no matter how pretty I looked, how good a kisser I was, or whatever fantastic lover I was, it wasn't enough to satisfy my husband's desires for "a different flavor". His battle of unfaithfulness became my battle to save our family, for our children's sakes. I learned more than I ever could have imagined about the lust battle men (still not sure if all) endure and have to overcome. My entire world was crumbling. I had heard the statistics but thought I was blessed that it would never happen to me.
My security, my trust, my family I'd worked so hard to get on the "right societal track" was breaking down.
Soon, he was in an accident that left him quadriplegic and with a traumatic brain injury that was subtle - but still destructive to our personal lives while the world moved on around us. Our children were 15 months, 5, and 7 years old.
The trauma. The poverty. The loneliness. Dreams dashed and hopes fleeting constantly over the years as daily survival became primary. No ability to thrive when you are just trying to survive.
God was ever present. I still was able to live intentional moments to keep pouring into them things I believed were critical and important: songs for their hearts to hold onto truths and joy, creativity, friendship with each other, God's Biblical truths, serving others, giving to others, reading, writing, healthy habits, some unhealthy ones too.
There were so many things I did not get to do. So many reasons to carry guilt, shame, condemnation, regret... if I let it.
Today, they are 13, almost 17, and 19 years old.
They are beautiful. They are each so smart and capable. They have a lot going for them. However, we are all broken in so many pieces and in so many ways too.
I guess what I would say to you, if I had the chance....
I can't seem to find the words as a tear is now running down the right side of my nose and others are about to come down from my left eye.
I'm happy for you, on one hand. I sort of envy you in a way - that you are still at the starting line of your motherhood.
I'm hoping for you, that you never will have to look back and see so many broken pieces from your journey. That you will be proud of the mother you are and were able to be - despite life's circumstances. Like Candace Cameron Bure said on an interview I saw; that she and her husband are proud of the job they did as parents to their children.
But - if you do find yourself in circumstances that are beyond your control and you are overcome or overwhelmed by them, please remember this is how you can weather unmet expectations of motherhood:
1. Hold On (try to do it with peace, joy, grace, love, etc as much as you can)
2. Seek God (this is where you will tap into His Spirit to help you do #1)
3. Follow Peace (not pressure or fear)
Each Day - Repeat Steps 1, 2, & 3
This is enough.
God is faithful.
His mercies are new daily.
He can be trusted with your life and your children's.
They don't have to go to all the things, or be in all the things, but they do need to know you are hanging on to them and seeking God, and I believe they will turn out beautiful and blessed, even in any brokenness, just like my children have.
♥ Rachelle Suzanne
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